"I want to touch the earth, I want to break it in my hands"

October 2, 2012

I really want to get into the habit of being thankful everyday.  I miss it.  It's harder than it sounds, though, at least if I'm going to write it all out. 

I'm Thankful...
1.  For a job, even if it doesn't always thrill me to my bones.  I'm constantly learning, and it's low key.  I'm grateful for the change of pace, for now.
2.  For silence.  It's hard to come by.
3.  For clean sheets and warm beds on cool nights.  I don't want to speak too soon, but autumn may have arrived!
4. For my plants.  I had a quiet moment with them tonight, and pathetic as it may sound, I'm pretty proud of them.  

Goodnight, Loves.

The World Spins Madly On

September 19, 2012

Indeed it does.  September is almost over.  The weather is cooler, the nights come sooner, and the world keeps spinning.  I hope I don't get too dizzy. :) I've calmed down a lot in the past couple of days, and I'm just so excited to crawl into bed and be still for a minute. 

I'm thankful
1. For riding with the windows down.
2. For cute babies in strollers. 
3. For the therapy dogs at the hospital.  How great is it to have a dog whose sole purpose is to let you pet him?  Love them.

Goodnight!

"It's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off!"

Now is as good a time as any to break the silence, right?  It's been a long and interesting summer, and like most of my past few summers, I've learned huge lessons about life and myself.  Each summer teaches me that I am stronger than I know, and I like that.  Each summer also teaches me my weaknesses, but I will learn from those, too.  This year I lost a friend, I lost a boyfriend, I found strength in old friends, and I found laughter with new friends.  I've changed careers, I changed my hair color, and I've changed to new routines.  I celebrated the life of a friend that ended way too soon.  I went to a fun city with old friends and celebrated thirty years of someone's life who is still rocking it.  I celebrated 15 years of friendship with one of my all time best friends.  I've danced and laughed and lived, and what else is summer for?  Thank you, God, for the opportunity to reflect on myself, my life and all the many countless blessings that I have not earned, but that I hope and pray I cherish enough. 

I'm starting to realize that when I think I've hit a place where things are calm and good, something inevitably comes along to deliver some harsh reality.  I hit a down place last night, and then realized much quicker than usual, that I still have the same amazing people supporting me through all of the rough patches.  I've witnessed and experienced enough to know that I'm strong enough to shake it off.  It will all be okay, and I'll still come out dancing at some point. 

I'm thankful...
1. For rediscovering old relationships.  You really can't ever find new old friends.
2. For zumba.  Dancing as an adult is so incredibly underrated.
3. For yoga.  Stretching and reflecting is also incredibly underrated.
4. For long talks that solve all the world's problems.  They make me happy.
5. For good cries.  Catharsis is almost blissful.
6. Even more so for good laughs, especially the kind that make you check to see if you may have accidentally peed your pants (I usually haven't).  It never gets old.

Sweet dreams!

Taking the Long Way Around

So, I'll apologize here for my downer of a last post.  I am more myself these days, but I feel like not much is different on this end.  Work has continued to be an emotional roller coaster, but a little less intense than what it was.  I did finish school, and I think I'm not the only person who is grateful for less stress in my life (sorry Ted and Kati, I know you've dealt with multitudes of madness from me). I've interviewed for a new job, and that may or may not be the next big step for me.  Currently, I'm attempting to figure out what to do when I have nothing to do.  It's an interesting change of pace for me.  I'm also trying to figure out what my dream job would be and where, and all of that good stuff.  It's an odd place that I've found myself in.  I think most people go through the whole "what am I doing with my life" stuff right out of college.  I never really did that.  I knew where I wanted to work, and I knew what I wanted to do, and I did it.  And lucky for me, it worked out well for the past 4 years.  Before Uganda, I thought I wanted to do international work, and now I don't know that it's for me.  I loved my experience (now that I'm looking back), and I'm glad I did it, but I'm not in a place where I'm ready to be so far from friends and family.  Other than that, I'm a 27 year old with no direction in life, and I don't know what to do with that.  I'm lucky to be in a place where I am in no hurry because I do have a job that pays the bills and lets me do things that I want.  I am intimidated by the unknown, and by having to figure out where to go from here.  This potential job would be a step in a different direction, an opportunity to learn some new stuff, and a career builder in the future.  But I just don't know much else besides that.  So while I figure all of that out, I will enjoy watching mindless television for a few more days, and soak up the beauty of having not much to do. 

I'm Thankful:
1. For free time.  I might need to cultivate some hobbies other than my plants because I have officially run out of space on my porch.
2. For the freedom to take my time deciding what I want. 
3. For my plants.  They're so pretty right now!

"I know that there is pain, but you hold on for one more day"

I've hit a bout of Writer's Block, and what better way to cure it than to write?  The Aral Sea has gotten the last 9 hours of my attention, and I think the rest will wait. 

I think that working where I do has made me different from the rest of the world.  At least the developed world.  I know the people of Uganda have had to endure as much, if not more than my patients, but in this world, I think I've seen things that will always separate me from others.  Other than my coworkers and the families we care for, no one else knows what that place is like.  Some days I want to bow down with gratitude for the joys that I know and see.  Other days I get slapped in the face with the bitter sting of tragedy without silver linings.  Sometimes, it's not even a slap.  Sometimes it's just a constant burden heavier than stone that I have to smile through for 13 hours.  I do not have the right, ever, to be unhappy or ungrateful because I have not had to endure most of what I have witnessed.  I have never had pain with every breath I have taken.  I have never had to watch a loved one slowly die.  I have never had to make decisions between pain or a faster death for a loved one.  I have never known the fear that these people have, but I know it exists, and just that knowledge makes me different. 

This semester is the first time I remember being genuinely unhappy.  I've definitely hurt after many tragedies.  But I was always distractable then.  I could still laugh after some time, and even genuinely smile with my whole body again.  And I have been discontent before, most definitely.  But these past few months have been tough, even though nothing extraordinarily tragic has affected me personally.  Even so, the smiles are a little more fake than I want to admit, and the distractions don't seem to take.  I think fear has set in, and has turned me into someone I don't like.  I pity myself these days, and I never allowed that before.  I fear failure, or even just mediocrity.  I fear leaving a job that I know and that I'm good at for an unknown place.  Even so, I fear what will happen when I get to the hospital, and I fear not knowing how to react.  I fear that I will never be able to replace the family that is Aflac, and I fear them replacing me.  I fear that the enormity of what I am feeling is only a fraction of what my families fear, and I fear knowing that it can get so much worse. 

My fear has taken over recently, and I need to let go of it.  It has turned me into someone I don't know or like, and I'm ready for that person to leave.  I'm ready to have my warmth and optimism back.  I'm ready to not feel burdened by caring for others.  I'm ready to be happy to just exist, and allow that to be enough to strengthen me.

I like to pretend that I'm above participating in popular culture, but I'm definitely not.  I went to see The Hunger Games with Ted and Kati (who both deserve mad props for dealing with me more than anyone else recently).  It was about what I expected, and utterly depressing, but there was one quote from the movie that was not in the book.  I was shocked to hear such truth from such a silly movie, and from a villain, no less.  "Hope.  It is the only thing stronger than fear."  That has been burned into my brain ever since I heard it, and I'm grateful for the reminder.  I might have forgotten about hope.  Hopelessness is ugly, and I want no part of it.  If Aflac has taught me nothing else, it has taught me to have unceasing hope in even the grimmest of places.

Tonight, I'm just thankful for life. I am blessed beyond belief.  I am able to breathe and laugh and smile and I need to remember that that is more than enough. 

If you pray, please pray for my families.  Too many of them are in the midst of seemingly hopeless situations. 

"Don't worry, Baby"

I'm Thankful...

1/18/12
1. for lunch dates with my mom.  She loved the Flying Biscuit!
2. for pretty dresses that make me look skinny and are on sale.
3. for days off to take a deep breath.

1/19/12
1. for an easy float to another floor if it had to happen.
2. for meeting my last graduation deadline for awhile.
3. for tons of rain when I finally get to sleep at 8 am

1/20/12
1. for phone calls to Ted at the end of my night and the beginning of his day.
2. for soup in a bread bowl on a cold night.
3. for new episodes of Say Yes to the Dress on a cold night.
4. for my bed and the ability to sleep for lots of hours the next day.

1/21/12
1. for poignant moments on dirty bathroom floors.
2. for the Southern Comfort taco and margaritas with dear friends.
3. for light bulb vases and Ikea flowers. 

1/22/12
1. for sweet puppies to make my mom smile.  She might actually keep him, fingers crossed!
2. for seeing a smile on my boyfriend's face after a pretty decent tragedy.  I hate having to see him hurt.
3. for Cheerwine and empty sports bars.

I missed a lot of days, and will skip the long commentary.  I am thankful for a warm home, a healthy and happy family (my heart aches for those who don't have that), and all the many, many blessings that I definitely don't deserve.  

Fool in the Rain

Yesterday was not my best day.  It's kind of like God laughed when I said I had perspective, and sent me a few minor meltdowns to prove, once again, that I am a mere mortal.  I got overwhelmed by my many tedious deadlines (ironic thing is I've met almost all of them between work and school), and was telling this to Amy on my way to Athens when I got flagged down by a cop.  During a confusing situation of cars stalled on the interstate, I apparently made the wrong choice, and pissed off this cop royally.  He yelled (and dropped the 'f' bomb), but thankfully, he let me go.  However, I couldn't stop crying for almost the whole ride.  I almost cried again when I stopped by a woman's office for a signature at an agreed upon time, and she was already in a scheduled meeting.  All of that, plus the rain, and the sweat, and the wandering around campus stalking employees, and my already foul and stressed mood did not make for a winning combination.  I came close to telling off a pretentious Honors student, and then got stuck in another accident on the way home.  All of this griping is to say, that even when I can't get past the little things for one day, I am surrounded by great people.  Not only did Amy listen to my petty complaints, she comforted me during my rain of tears, and sent me gorgeous flowers to cheer me up.  She's a good sister.  Ted took me to Willy's (my favorite, his less than favorite), and let me watch Muppet Treasure Island even though I'm sure it was mildly painful for him.  The rain continued for the night, but when their power went out, he sat on the porch with me and held my hand and watched the rain with me. 

1/17/12  I'm Thankful...
1.  for small problems rather than big ones and people to care about me enough to listen to them.
2.  that it wasn't me in those accidents.  I think everyone was alright, though.
3.  for rainy nights, and the relative calm that can come with them.