7/8/11
So here’s what my paper is sounding like these days: “this program would be really great, but it has no money, and the schools pay some of the fees, but they also have no money, and the parents could pay the schools, but they have no money, and then their kids have to drop out, and then the schools will probably have to close soon because they again will have no money.” Uplifting stuff, right? Even if I get grant money, what happens in a few years when the grant runs out? Public health is utterly depressing. So is economics. I heard on the radio at dinner tonight that the Uganda shilling is the third most worthless piece of money in the world. This doesn’t help the theme of All of Uganda’s Problems Come From No Money and No Literacy. And then what really gets me is how all these countries who have money spend their money. Or spend money they don’t have. And allow unethical business agreements and practices in countries that are already barely standing by ripping off the few resources available so that they can make even more money. And then I read online that even with all of that money, there still aren’t enough jobs for everyone at home. I’m feeling frustrated these days. I want to move to Sweden. Can you think of any major conflict or ethical dilemma caused by the Swedes?* I can’t. They even gave us Ikea.
My second side project is doing some data collection on Extremely Drug Resistant Tuberculosis, another incredibly uplifting subject. We’ve done a bad job of treating TB the right way, and in the process, this new super bug of TB has formed, and is pretty much untouched by any antibiotics we have right now. It sounds like a bad comic book movie. Guess who got hit the worst. Yep, Africa. And because they don’t have enough problems, it’s usually the patients with HIV that get hit. I miss blissful ignorance a lot.
And on that lovely note, I did find some pirated DVDs in town, including Ally McBeal. Dani and Verity left today, and while my writing has not been fun, I have enjoyed a little bit of quiet. I had a hamburger (still tasted great), got some cookies from the bakery, have a line up of girly shows and movies, and I plan to zone out for the night.
Tonight I’m thankful...
1. for Sweden. Way to set an example, guys.
2. for learning one or two words in Ankole. People crack up when I say ‘webare’ (thank you). Doesn’t make for great confidence in my language skills, but they seem to be entertained if nothing else. Oh, and I’m trying to break the habit of ‘please’ after everything I ask for. Alex said it just confuses people. So much for being polite. I'm also glad he's just now telling me this.
3. for power. My little house on campus seems to be exempt from the scheduled power cuts every night this week. Good thing, because matches scare me, and my roommates aren’t here to save me if I light myself on fire.
*Looked it up and the last war Sweden had was in was 1814. It’s official. I’ll look into a visa as soon as I’m home and have enjoyed all of the comforts that unethical business practices have given me for a few weeks.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
"Home is where your rump rests."
7/7/11
Wise words, Pumbaa. I love The Lion King. We watched it tonight in honor of Dani and Verity’s trip to Queen Elizabeth park this weekend (the one I’ve been to already). It is kind of fun to watch it and point out all of the animals I’ve seen here. And it’s still just a great movie. We have a gecko that doesn’t stick as well to the ceiling as he likes to think he does, so he is now named Zazu for his flying skills.
The HIV clinic has proven to be a difficult place for me to be. I honestly can’t understand why my heart aches so much there, when where I usually work is considered a pretty heart wrenching place itself. For some reason, I still see a lot of hope on my Aflac unit, and I can function, even in all of the sorrow that accompanies my days there.
Thursdays are Pediatric Clinic days. The appointments are only for pediatric patients. I sat in on a counseling session, and the kids were amazing. At age 5, they start getting counseling about the medicines they’re on, why they’re on them, how they got HIV, why they have to take them everyday, what they want to be when they grow up, and so on. The kids were beautiful and healthy looking, and answered with smiles and full understanding (it wasn’t their first session). Their caretakers also get counseling on how to discuss HIV with their children, and the best ways to approach the subject. Soon after, the kids ran to play with some bikes and soccer balls. Children will always be more resilient than adults.
I had a moment of severe wealthy white girl guilt when one little girl (Samantha) in a beautiful yellow dress bowed for me. I was so caught off guard, that I had to try not to laugh out of awkwardness. I wanted to apologize and tell her I’m not worth that, and she’s worth a hundred of me. But how do you even start explaining that?
The hardest part of my day was watching the HIV positive mothers bringing in their newborn babies to be tested for HIV. Can you imagine living in a culture where having children is of the utmost importance, but your doctors frown on you for getting pregnant and exposing your child? Let alone if your child is HIV positive how do you cope with knowing that one day you’ll have to explain to them how they ended up with that lifelong disease? And if the disease wasn’t bad enough, try the stigma associated with it even if you do get to school age (some kids get beat up for going to the school nurse for their therapy several times a day) or dating age or marriage age. Or if their parents die, and they go to another family, try the stigma there, when you’re costing money and time, and you’re pushed aside except for maybe the inheritance left to you, which is taken right away just to feed the family. The treatment of HIV and the access to drugs and the acceptability of condom use no longer seems to be the problem from what I’ve seen (at least in Uganda). How do you fix the rest of it, though?
I did have a few good moments in the day. After lunch, the clinic dentist, Maureen, said she had something for me. She pulled out a beautiful and simple royal blue and white sundress that she bought for me over the last weekend. I sat with her at the school screening last week, and had complimented her dress, and told her how much I missed my own, but had a hard time with sizes here. She shops a lot for other people to make some extra money, and she got me the perfect size in a girly dress that is my favorite color and makes my new tan look amazing. I don't think she'll realize that was probably the best gift I could get (silly as it sounds). I got a little teary, and couldn’t thank her enough for helping me feel pretty, and even just thinking of me. I am undeserving (I felt better that she let me pay her for it, it is her side business), but “my cup runneth over.”
I’m thankful...
1. for kind people who gave me one of the nicest gifts I’ll ever know. I am blessed.
2. for the little person who sells ground nuts next to the clinic. I know it shouldn’t be funny, but it’s the funniest image I’ve seen in awhile. I was told his wife is actually quite tall.
3. for discovering new books found on the shelf at the guest house. There are a few that I actually wanted to read, so that’s promising for my weekend to myself.
Goodnight, my loves.
Wise words, Pumbaa. I love The Lion King. We watched it tonight in honor of Dani and Verity’s trip to Queen Elizabeth park this weekend (the one I’ve been to already). It is kind of fun to watch it and point out all of the animals I’ve seen here. And it’s still just a great movie. We have a gecko that doesn’t stick as well to the ceiling as he likes to think he does, so he is now named Zazu for his flying skills.
The HIV clinic has proven to be a difficult place for me to be. I honestly can’t understand why my heart aches so much there, when where I usually work is considered a pretty heart wrenching place itself. For some reason, I still see a lot of hope on my Aflac unit, and I can function, even in all of the sorrow that accompanies my days there.
Thursdays are Pediatric Clinic days. The appointments are only for pediatric patients. I sat in on a counseling session, and the kids were amazing. At age 5, they start getting counseling about the medicines they’re on, why they’re on them, how they got HIV, why they have to take them everyday, what they want to be when they grow up, and so on. The kids were beautiful and healthy looking, and answered with smiles and full understanding (it wasn’t their first session). Their caretakers also get counseling on how to discuss HIV with their children, and the best ways to approach the subject. Soon after, the kids ran to play with some bikes and soccer balls. Children will always be more resilient than adults.
I had a moment of severe wealthy white girl guilt when one little girl (Samantha) in a beautiful yellow dress bowed for me. I was so caught off guard, that I had to try not to laugh out of awkwardness. I wanted to apologize and tell her I’m not worth that, and she’s worth a hundred of me. But how do you even start explaining that?
The hardest part of my day was watching the HIV positive mothers bringing in their newborn babies to be tested for HIV. Can you imagine living in a culture where having children is of the utmost importance, but your doctors frown on you for getting pregnant and exposing your child? Let alone if your child is HIV positive how do you cope with knowing that one day you’ll have to explain to them how they ended up with that lifelong disease? And if the disease wasn’t bad enough, try the stigma associated with it even if you do get to school age (some kids get beat up for going to the school nurse for their therapy several times a day) or dating age or marriage age. Or if their parents die, and they go to another family, try the stigma there, when you’re costing money and time, and you’re pushed aside except for maybe the inheritance left to you, which is taken right away just to feed the family. The treatment of HIV and the access to drugs and the acceptability of condom use no longer seems to be the problem from what I’ve seen (at least in Uganda). How do you fix the rest of it, though?
I did have a few good moments in the day. After lunch, the clinic dentist, Maureen, said she had something for me. She pulled out a beautiful and simple royal blue and white sundress that she bought for me over the last weekend. I sat with her at the school screening last week, and had complimented her dress, and told her how much I missed my own, but had a hard time with sizes here. She shops a lot for other people to make some extra money, and she got me the perfect size in a girly dress that is my favorite color and makes my new tan look amazing. I don't think she'll realize that was probably the best gift I could get (silly as it sounds). I got a little teary, and couldn’t thank her enough for helping me feel pretty, and even just thinking of me. I am undeserving (I felt better that she let me pay her for it, it is her side business), but “my cup runneth over.”
I’m thankful...
1. for kind people who gave me one of the nicest gifts I’ll ever know. I am blessed.
2. for the little person who sells ground nuts next to the clinic. I know it shouldn’t be funny, but it’s the funniest image I’ve seen in awhile. I was told his wife is actually quite tall.
3. for discovering new books found on the shelf at the guest house. There are a few that I actually wanted to read, so that’s promising for my weekend to myself.
Goodnight, my loves.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Good Vibrations
7/6/11
It's been a pretty good day. Dr. Alex kind of took me on as his project today, and he taught me all he could think of about HIV, Ugandan culture, ward rounds, and Ugandan politics. As random as those topics sound, it was actually a really good day for learning. I also did a minute amount of writing. I came home and Verity and I took a long walk (yay exercise!), found some Ugandan chocolate that actually tasted great, and we did a take out night (they know our voices, we don't have to give our address anymore). One random thing I've noticed here is that t-shirts have no meaning. It's like everyone buys their shirts from Goodwill, but they have no idea what they mean. Our delivery guy was walking around with the names of graduates from some high school in Nevada on his shirt. I also saw a kid in an Atlanta Braves t-shirt, and I was pretty pleased with that. I'm not sure how the t-shirt market works, but it makes for some fascinating stuff to look at on the street. Not much else to add here, but a good day nonetheless.
I'm thankful...
1. for Meg Olive being born several years ago today. Yay for Meg! She's on my list of longest running friends. Are we up to 14 years now? We're crazy old, and we've got TONS of stories between us. I like those kinds of friends.
2. for long walks. They're nice at home, too. I'll be glad to have more in both places.
3. for Coke. I drank one this morning, and one this afternoon. When someone asked my why I drank so much of it, Alex spoke for me and said "She's from Atlanta. It's what they do." Glad I can represent. I just told them if they thought I was addicted they should meet my mother.
Goodnight my loves!
It's been a pretty good day. Dr. Alex kind of took me on as his project today, and he taught me all he could think of about HIV, Ugandan culture, ward rounds, and Ugandan politics. As random as those topics sound, it was actually a really good day for learning. I also did a minute amount of writing. I came home and Verity and I took a long walk (yay exercise!), found some Ugandan chocolate that actually tasted great, and we did a take out night (they know our voices, we don't have to give our address anymore). One random thing I've noticed here is that t-shirts have no meaning. It's like everyone buys their shirts from Goodwill, but they have no idea what they mean. Our delivery guy was walking around with the names of graduates from some high school in Nevada on his shirt. I also saw a kid in an Atlanta Braves t-shirt, and I was pretty pleased with that. I'm not sure how the t-shirt market works, but it makes for some fascinating stuff to look at on the street. Not much else to add here, but a good day nonetheless.
I'm thankful...
1. for Meg Olive being born several years ago today. Yay for Meg! She's on my list of longest running friends. Are we up to 14 years now? We're crazy old, and we've got TONS of stories between us. I like those kinds of friends.
2. for long walks. They're nice at home, too. I'll be glad to have more in both places.
3. for Coke. I drank one this morning, and one this afternoon. When someone asked my why I drank so much of it, Alex spoke for me and said "She's from Atlanta. It's what they do." Glad I can represent. I just told them if they thought I was addicted they should meet my mother.
Goodnight my loves!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming"
7/5/11
I'm having a hard time trying not to count the days. It's been another great day here, but I'm so ready to be home, and talking about it seems to make it worse. Anyway, life here. I started off a little cranky, I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I was back at the HIV clinic today, and saw some new stuff with the counselors. They were short staffed in the pharmacy, so I counted pills into plastic bags for a couple of hours, too. I got to leave at lunchtime (I'm glad Dr. Alex has a bad work ethic), and got caught up on errands and hygiene and emails. I did have a rough patch today, and I hit up the bakery here to drown some sorrows. It's a pretty good place, but I wish they'd be a little more American and overdo the sugar. I had a really good 'Swiss biscuit' and a Coke, and I think that helped a lot. We watched Finding Nemo tonight, and the sea turtles made me so ready for Fripp Island with the family I couldn't stand it. I'm shouting out to Meghan and my other Church Hall ladies because we watched that movie so many times, and Meghan knew it by heart before the rest of us. And in the immortal words of Dory, I will keep swimming, because I know I will be home sooner than I realize.
I'm thankful...
1. for calming presences in my life. I've learned I don't deal as well with stress as I thought I did...Grizzle family trait.
2. for sea turtles. They're awesome.
3. for cookies during a rough patch. I know you shouldn't solve problems with food, but it did help.
Goodnight, all. Love you!
I'm having a hard time trying not to count the days. It's been another great day here, but I'm so ready to be home, and talking about it seems to make it worse. Anyway, life here. I started off a little cranky, I think I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I was back at the HIV clinic today, and saw some new stuff with the counselors. They were short staffed in the pharmacy, so I counted pills into plastic bags for a couple of hours, too. I got to leave at lunchtime (I'm glad Dr. Alex has a bad work ethic), and got caught up on errands and hygiene and emails. I did have a rough patch today, and I hit up the bakery here to drown some sorrows. It's a pretty good place, but I wish they'd be a little more American and overdo the sugar. I had a really good 'Swiss biscuit' and a Coke, and I think that helped a lot. We watched Finding Nemo tonight, and the sea turtles made me so ready for Fripp Island with the family I couldn't stand it. I'm shouting out to Meghan and my other Church Hall ladies because we watched that movie so many times, and Meghan knew it by heart before the rest of us. And in the immortal words of Dory, I will keep swimming, because I know I will be home sooner than I realize.
I'm thankful...
1. for calming presences in my life. I've learned I don't deal as well with stress as I thought I did...Grizzle family trait.
2. for sea turtles. They're awesome.
3. for cookies during a rough patch. I know you shouldn't solve problems with food, but it did help.
Goodnight, all. Love you!
Monday, July 4, 2011
"It's Independence Day!"
7/4/11 (a little late, the Internet was down last night)
Do you ever play a game with yourself and ask where you were a year ago? I’ve been playing that game a lot recently, and today was kind of fun. This time last year, I was in Columbus at Meg’s river house with her family, eating outside, swimming in dirty water, eating late night Sonic, and celebrating Meg’s birthday with good cake and good friends. I’m pretty sure we went to some $1 movie, too, but I can’t remember. I do remember Meg, JR, and I trying to get into the river house without a key, and a chair ended up broken, and JR ended up with a pretty big gash on his leg.
This year, I’m in Uganda, eating fish off of the bone, writing a potentially publishable program evaluation, and finding a new passion for HIV patients. I got to go to the HIV clinic today, and it was fascinating, and I liked it a lot. Everyone enrolled there gets free medical care. Period. It’s amazing, and really well run. The adherence nurse has a great job, where she sees all of the patients, asks if they’re having any problems on their therapy, counts their pills to see if they’re having any trouble remembering to take them, gives them counseling, advice, and sends them on to the doctor if they need one. She seemed to know most of the patients pretty well, and she was personable, yet stern when necessary. She obviously has a lot of passion for what she does. You can tell that in just a couple of conversations with her, and she loves that her job is able to give people hope, because they all need it. I figured she was a kindred spirit when she said that.
It wasn’t quite this time last year, but it was close, that my whole world came crashing down very quickly. I hope that this July is not a repeat. But thinking of where I was then, and how I am now, my feelings about the whole situation have changed. I’m grateful for resiliency, the strength to move on (even though it was slow going), and the excitement of starting something with someone new when I return. I am better and stronger after all that happened, it feels like something that is very much my past rather than my present, and that gives me hope. I think they call that healing. And it also feels very much like independence. So while I will be thankful for the independence of our country from colonialism, I’m also going to be grateful for my own newfound independence as well.
I’m thankful...
1. For independence in all forms. I pray that the people here will one day know freedom from poverty and illness, too.
2. For nice nurses who are willing to teach. I really enjoyed my day.
3. For sunscreen. I wish it had worked better on my face because this burn is embarrassing.
Enjoy some fireworks for me, I miss those!
Do you ever play a game with yourself and ask where you were a year ago? I’ve been playing that game a lot recently, and today was kind of fun. This time last year, I was in Columbus at Meg’s river house with her family, eating outside, swimming in dirty water, eating late night Sonic, and celebrating Meg’s birthday with good cake and good friends. I’m pretty sure we went to some $1 movie, too, but I can’t remember. I do remember Meg, JR, and I trying to get into the river house without a key, and a chair ended up broken, and JR ended up with a pretty big gash on his leg.
This year, I’m in Uganda, eating fish off of the bone, writing a potentially publishable program evaluation, and finding a new passion for HIV patients. I got to go to the HIV clinic today, and it was fascinating, and I liked it a lot. Everyone enrolled there gets free medical care. Period. It’s amazing, and really well run. The adherence nurse has a great job, where she sees all of the patients, asks if they’re having any problems on their therapy, counts their pills to see if they’re having any trouble remembering to take them, gives them counseling, advice, and sends them on to the doctor if they need one. She seemed to know most of the patients pretty well, and she was personable, yet stern when necessary. She obviously has a lot of passion for what she does. You can tell that in just a couple of conversations with her, and she loves that her job is able to give people hope, because they all need it. I figured she was a kindred spirit when she said that.
It wasn’t quite this time last year, but it was close, that my whole world came crashing down very quickly. I hope that this July is not a repeat. But thinking of where I was then, and how I am now, my feelings about the whole situation have changed. I’m grateful for resiliency, the strength to move on (even though it was slow going), and the excitement of starting something with someone new when I return. I am better and stronger after all that happened, it feels like something that is very much my past rather than my present, and that gives me hope. I think they call that healing. And it also feels very much like independence. So while I will be thankful for the independence of our country from colonialism, I’m also going to be grateful for my own newfound independence as well.
I’m thankful...
1. For independence in all forms. I pray that the people here will one day know freedom from poverty and illness, too.
2. For nice nurses who are willing to teach. I really enjoyed my day.
3. For sunscreen. I wish it had worked better on my face because this burn is embarrassing.
Enjoy some fireworks for me, I miss those!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
"You give a little love, and it all comes back to you"
7/2-3/11
Hello All!
It’s been a great weekend. I actually stayed in town this weekend, got a little sleep, got a facial (they actually did a really great job), went to the market, had a great night with cards and gin, made it to the pool today (great tan, except my face which is red as a lobster, thanks equator sun), and am heading to bed early tonight.
One major highlight was an email from my coworker, Melissa. She went to the camp for our patients that they have every year, and she made sure to tell me that my very favorite kid of all time looked great 3 years later, and was having fun and breaking hearts. He asked about me (awww), and she got some pictures that I can’t wait to see. I LOVE this kid. I think he’s the reason I’ve stayed on that floor for so long. We made each other laugh, he loved to dance to Footloose, I taught him how to shoot saline syringes like water guns (and later regretted it), we got through some pretty scary nights together when he would get REALLY sick, he called me his girlfriend, he always had a good attitude even when he felt like poo or when I made a mistake (I was a new nurse), and I am so thankful that he’s happy. I miss that job! Even though it’s hard and it sucks a lot, I won’t ever forget him, or many others, and how many jobs give you people like that in your life?
Anyway. I’m thankful...
1. for reminders of former patients. Again, I LOVE that kid.
2. for remembering I actually brought Pepcid with me, but forgot I had it.
3. for two days without rain! Yay!
4. for clean pools that serve ice cream and play bad music. It’s a fun place, and it’s a 5 minute walk from where we live.
5. for facials. I’ve never had one, but it was lovely. I’ll do it again, as long as my face doesn’t break out from this one.
6. for Oreos. They’re the best cookie ever, even in Africa. I think God knew I would need those here.
Happy long weekend! You are loved!
Hello All!
It’s been a great weekend. I actually stayed in town this weekend, got a little sleep, got a facial (they actually did a really great job), went to the market, had a great night with cards and gin, made it to the pool today (great tan, except my face which is red as a lobster, thanks equator sun), and am heading to bed early tonight.
One major highlight was an email from my coworker, Melissa. She went to the camp for our patients that they have every year, and she made sure to tell me that my very favorite kid of all time looked great 3 years later, and was having fun and breaking hearts. He asked about me (awww), and she got some pictures that I can’t wait to see. I LOVE this kid. I think he’s the reason I’ve stayed on that floor for so long. We made each other laugh, he loved to dance to Footloose, I taught him how to shoot saline syringes like water guns (and later regretted it), we got through some pretty scary nights together when he would get REALLY sick, he called me his girlfriend, he always had a good attitude even when he felt like poo or when I made a mistake (I was a new nurse), and I am so thankful that he’s happy. I miss that job! Even though it’s hard and it sucks a lot, I won’t ever forget him, or many others, and how many jobs give you people like that in your life?
Anyway. I’m thankful...
1. for reminders of former patients. Again, I LOVE that kid.
2. for remembering I actually brought Pepcid with me, but forgot I had it.
3. for two days without rain! Yay!
4. for clean pools that serve ice cream and play bad music. It’s a fun place, and it’s a 5 minute walk from where we live.
5. for facials. I’ve never had one, but it was lovely. I’ll do it again, as long as my face doesn’t break out from this one.
6. for Oreos. They’re the best cookie ever, even in Africa. I think God knew I would need those here.
Happy long weekend! You are loved!
Friday, July 1, 2011
"And I think to myself, what a wonderful world"
7/1/11
It’s July! I’m excited to be in the same month as my departure date, but I know that there’s still a good amount of time left, so I'm trying not to get too excited. It wasn’t a terribly eventful day. I spent most of it trying to write, but then I’d always find some new distraction, so not a lot of writing actually happened. Oops. That can be what Sunday is for. My stomach is starting to revolt in a new way. I have been having heartburn for several days now, and I kept thinking it would just go away, but today around lunchtime while in tears, I just decided to go to the pharmacy and find some version of an antacid. All they had was something kind of like Pepto Bismol, which helps, but eating is still kind of painful. I feel bad for making light of people who deal with it all the time, because it really does suck. It doesn’t help that I’m a wimp when I feel bad.
I finished rereading The Bean Trees tonight. I really like Barbara Kingsolver (she also wrote The Poisonwood Bible, I recommend both). She’s big on seeing people as people, not as lesser versions of ourselves, and she’s big on plants as metaphors, both themes that I like. The Bean Trees talks about our invisible systems for growth as people (also how plants survive and thrive in the desert), and I’m grateful that my system for survival in Africa is not so invisible. I have a mountain of letters and cards, tons of emails, a fantastic family, a clinic full of people, and a house full of roommates to help me survive here, and maybe thrive with a little more time. I am blessed.
To Meg and Susan-you have both quoted the same movie to tell me to lose every bit of myself while I’m here. I’m not going to lie, I hated that quote the first time I read it. I’ve worked really hard to get to this version of myself, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to give it up that easily. I think I’m just now starting to realize how I have already changed, and how I can change a little more before it’s time to go. I don’t think I’ve lost every bit of myself, and I’m not sure I like all the things that I have gained, but it means more now than it did. I hope that if nothing else, I’m a little more patient, a little less controlling, a little more assertive, a lot less ignorant, a little less willing to give up and return to my comfort zone, a little more tolerant, a little more willing to acknowledge that I desperately need to listen to others, and a lot more motivated to pitch a fit for more fairness in the world where it can be found.
I’m thankful...
1. for Toblerone. Anyone know if they sell that in the States? It’s amazing. Adam left today, but he gave us his leftovers, and that made my day!
2. for good books. I’m running out, and need to find more.
3. for an easy day. I like them a lot.
Goodnight All! You are loved!
It’s July! I’m excited to be in the same month as my departure date, but I know that there’s still a good amount of time left, so I'm trying not to get too excited. It wasn’t a terribly eventful day. I spent most of it trying to write, but then I’d always find some new distraction, so not a lot of writing actually happened. Oops. That can be what Sunday is for. My stomach is starting to revolt in a new way. I have been having heartburn for several days now, and I kept thinking it would just go away, but today around lunchtime while in tears, I just decided to go to the pharmacy and find some version of an antacid. All they had was something kind of like Pepto Bismol, which helps, but eating is still kind of painful. I feel bad for making light of people who deal with it all the time, because it really does suck. It doesn’t help that I’m a wimp when I feel bad.
I finished rereading The Bean Trees tonight. I really like Barbara Kingsolver (she also wrote The Poisonwood Bible, I recommend both). She’s big on seeing people as people, not as lesser versions of ourselves, and she’s big on plants as metaphors, both themes that I like. The Bean Trees talks about our invisible systems for growth as people (also how plants survive and thrive in the desert), and I’m grateful that my system for survival in Africa is not so invisible. I have a mountain of letters and cards, tons of emails, a fantastic family, a clinic full of people, and a house full of roommates to help me survive here, and maybe thrive with a little more time. I am blessed.
To Meg and Susan-you have both quoted the same movie to tell me to lose every bit of myself while I’m here. I’m not going to lie, I hated that quote the first time I read it. I’ve worked really hard to get to this version of myself, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to give it up that easily. I think I’m just now starting to realize how I have already changed, and how I can change a little more before it’s time to go. I don’t think I’ve lost every bit of myself, and I’m not sure I like all the things that I have gained, but it means more now than it did. I hope that if nothing else, I’m a little more patient, a little less controlling, a little more assertive, a lot less ignorant, a little less willing to give up and return to my comfort zone, a little more tolerant, a little more willing to acknowledge that I desperately need to listen to others, and a lot more motivated to pitch a fit for more fairness in the world where it can be found.
I’m thankful...
1. for Toblerone. Anyone know if they sell that in the States? It’s amazing. Adam left today, but he gave us his leftovers, and that made my day!
2. for good books. I’m running out, and need to find more.
3. for an easy day. I like them a lot.
Goodnight All! You are loved!
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