"Hold on for one more day!"

6/8/11

I am dying to come home.  I couldn’t get to clinic today, and so I spent my day doing some research on prevention education in schools, but my heart is not at all in it.  I miss my patients.  I miss my family.  I miss my friends.  I miss working hard for something that I believe in.  I love Africa.  The people are kind, and my experience has been welcoming and friendly, but it’s this feeling of utter uselessness that makes me want to pack my bags for Entebbe, not the next guest house.  I try to stay upbeat.  It's something that I'm pretty good at outwardly.  I just can't seem to transfer my outward attitude to the rest of me.

I’m disappointed because I chased this internship with such a single mindedness.  This was right, I knew it, I had prayed for it, and it came at the perfect time.  Everything fell into place for me to leave, and I was looking forward to all that I would see and learn and do. 

It’s not the bugs, or the lizards, or the stares on the street, or the constant state of dirt.  It’s not the heat outside or the cold showers inside.  I can deal with bug bites, I can navigate the streets much better now, and I can even stare down the women in the market so they know I’m not intimidated.  But my heart just isn’t in it. 

I don’t want to come home to all 120 people who wrote me letters and tell them that they were wrong, I’m not doing awesome work, and I couldn’t even stick it out.  I’m not really the type to quit.  I’ve worked bad jobs before, I’ve lived in bad places, I've kept bad friends, and I’ve felt out of place many times in the name of “I’ve committed myself to this.”  I AM the type to get somewhere and decide quickly that I hate it.  I hated college for months, I hated every summer camp I went to, and I hated nursing school until the day I graduated.  I don’t want to leave early and wonder ‘what if’ but I just don’t think I can stick it out and keep my sanity either. 

Here’s my hope for tonight.  I hope that I sleep peacefully, and wake up tomorrow refreshed and renewed in mind, body, and spirit.  I hope that I will feel my purpose in my actions and interactions over the next few days.  I hope that if none of that happens, I can at least navigate my way back to the airport with my massive suitcases. :)  I hate to be such a downer, but this is where I am right now.  Pray that my attitude or my situation changes soon. 

I’ve still got a list.  I’m thankful...
1. for a day off to read, walk, and enjoy some fresh air
2. to have learned how to do laundry and hang clothes to dry.  It’s a fun new skill.
3. to be able to put off moving for another day.  Beatrice said the other house had no shower, and she wasn’t moving us for the more important professors until we had a comfortable place to stay.  Thank you, Beatrice. 

I wish I could be more upbeat and sunshine happy, but it’s just not me tonight.  Tomorrow will be better, I’m sure.